Today, I was diagnosed with a type of arthritis that occurs to fat and old people. I am 26 and just ran a marathon.
-FML
Today, I was diagnosed with a type of arthritis that occurs to fat and old people. I am 26 and just ran a marathon. I SAID FUCK THIS TO ARTHRITIS AND SOLD MY ARTHRITIS TO A PROSTITUTE FOR SEX. WHEN SHE GAVE ME AN STD I WAS LIKE “I DON’T WANT THIS” AND GAVE IT TO HOMELESS KIDS TO FIGHT OVER. AS FOR THE MARATHON…WELL THE CONCEPT OF A MARATHON NO LONGER EXISTS BECAUSE OF ME!
-MLIFA
Today, I realized that I have accomplished almost everything I thought would be impossible. I still have a long road ahead, but I know I can do it.
-MLIG
A FEW WEEKS AGO, I realized that I have accomplished almost NOTHING I THOUGHT WOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE. SO I CREATED A NICE ASS LIST OF IMPOSSIBLE THINGS AND SINCE THEN HAVE COMPLETED SOME DAMN HARD TASKS. I GOT AWAY WITH MURDER. I LEARNED TO FLY. I GOT EATEN BY A LION BUT RIPPED MY WAY OUT OF IT’S VAGINA LIKE A NEW BORN CHILD. I COMMITTED SUICIDE AND LIVED TO TELL THE TALE. I STILL HAVE ONE THING TO GO BUT BECOMING GOD AND SATAN AT THE SAME TIME SHOULDN’T BE THAT HARD!
-MLIFA
SERIOUSLY IPOD. STOP BEING SUCH A WHINY BITCH. STOP VERIFYING SO I CAN ADD SONGS. PLEASE?
-MLIA (courtesy of swapmeet)
MY iPOD WASN’T LISTENING TO WHAT I WAS TELLING IT TO DO. THEN I REALIZED THAT IT DIDN’T HAVE EARS. THROUGH MY GOD POWER I GAVE IT NOT ONLY EARS BUT EARS, A MOUTH, AN ASS AND A NECK. I THEN WENT RAMPAGE ON IT’S ASS (WHICH WAS NOW IN PLACE). I RIPPED ITS NEWLY ATTACHED LIPS OFF OF IT AND MADE THEM KISS MY ASS. I THEN STRANGLED IT UNTIL IT LISTENED THE FUCK UP.
-MLIFA
Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me out.
-FML
Today I TRIPPED WITH SUCH FORCE THAT IT LED TO A MASSIVE HOLE IN MY BACKYARD. MY SLAVE MOTHER GOT WORRIED SO SHE CALLED THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. I DIDN’T NEED THE HELP SO I CLIMBED OUT AND WAITED FOR THE FIRE MEN TO SHOW UP. WHEN THEY DID I PUSHED THEM ALL IN, POURED SOME GASOLINE ON THEM, LIT A MATCH AND TOLD THEM TO “EXTINGUISH THAT BITCH”!
-MLIFA
Today I woke up to go do my usual run in the morning. As I headed out the door, I found my long distance boyfriend standing outside my house with roses. He told me he moved down here from San Diego for me. He is the reason why I wake up in the mornings.
-MLIG
Today I woke up to go do my DAILY CLIMB OF KILIMANJARO. As I SPRINTED THROUGH THE CLOSED DOOR, I found my long distance boyfriend standing outside my house with roses. He told me he moved down here from San Diego for me. I CONTEMPLATED HIS EXISTENCE, AND DECIDED THAT HE SHOULDN’T HAVE LEFT ME LIKE AN ASSBANDIT TO GO TO SAN DIEGO (WHICH TRANSLATES TO A WHALES VAGINA). I HOPE ALL HE AMOUNTED TO IN SAN DIEGO WAS A WHALE’S VAGINA. I SPRINTED TOWARDS HIM WITH MY ARMS WIDE OPEN, HE THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO HUG HIM…DOUCHENOZZLE. I TOOK A LEAP AND DROP KICKED HIS FACE. NEEDLESS TO SAY HE WON’T BE WAKING UP IN THE MORNING.
-MLIFA
Today, as I was walking to class for my math midterm I heard the Lion King’s circle of life song blasting through greek row. I looked up to see four frat guys holding stuffed animals, singing and dancing on their balcony. This was still going on as I walked home three hours later.
-MLIA
Today, as I was walking to class for my math midterm I heard the Lion King’s circle of life song blasting through greek row. I looked up to see four frat guys holding stuffed animals, singing and dancing on their balcony. I FELT THE NEED TO ONE UP THESE CUNTNUGGETS SO I WENT BACK TO MY ROOM, GOT MY PET LIONS AND UNLEASHED HELL ON THE POPPED COLLARED ASSWIPES. I TRAINED MY LIONS TO SPIT ON THE DEAD BODIES BEFORE EATING THEM, WHICH THEY FOLLOWED THROUGH WITH BRILLIANTLY.
-MLIFA
Today was my grandma’s birthday. I gave her a card I made where I drew balloons on the front. She asked me why on earth I had drawn sperm all over her birthday card. I hope I am like her when I am 95.
-MLIA
Today was my grandma’s birthday. I gave her a card I made where I drew balloons on the front. She asked me why on earth I had drawn sperm all over her birthday card. I responded by saying I’LL SHOW YOU SPERM ON A BIRTHDAY CARD! I BLEW MY LOAD ALL OVER THE CARD CAUSING HER TO SUFFER FROM A MINOR STROKE! MY DAD GOT MAD AT ME SO I STUCK HIM TO THE WALL WITH MY EXCESS SEMEN!
-MLIFA
